When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
