I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
