I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have post one night stand depression
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