Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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