i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
