He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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