Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
