I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
