I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
