Non-Jews are for practice
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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