Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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