I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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