Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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