Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
