the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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