I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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