My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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