Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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