I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
