the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
