I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
