And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize