Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
