Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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