They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
should my penis look like a turkey
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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