and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
