So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
