I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize