Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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