i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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