What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
