i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
