Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
