that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
