One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
