It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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