I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
