I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wish there were birth control emojis
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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