Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
