Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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