Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
