Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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