I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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