you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
