Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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