He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
