I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
