so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
50% drunk capacity currently
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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