We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
