Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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