I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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