It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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