Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
