I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
