How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
