I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize