My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
