it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
accomplished twins. life is a go
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
