i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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