I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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