I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
